Grateful

Whew hew! And just like "that" (add gay snap of the fingers here) E is back to her silly, dedicated self - after being bummed all day about losing all that video footage - I ate dinner after work, took an hour walk and settled down to try once again - and after almost 2 hours...I found (!!!) the video camera files (angelic soprano voice "ahhh" - that I emit on occasion insert here) he hehe.Jesus loves me and helped me find those things which I plan on editing and u-tubing if possible - and yes, I even am going to do one of my engagement announcement video made at Easter because if you all saw how happy and supportive my family was and the nice words my mom said about Ciara being another granddaughter you'd see what great blood I come from and know that, for my part, my love for Patrick was always real and not shared with exes or distractions or fear. I did cry, watching it just now because I had never seen it before and it made me miss my 'Cono' tremendously momentarily, but you know what? They were tears of joy - - even though he didn't follow through - because regardless of him focusing on the negative, I have always focused on his positives and when he embraced me as I cried into his shoulder, I know there were real moments of happiness with him that I, at least, felt.

I really thought after years of not wanting marriage, nor thinking I deserved it, and saying no to 2 proposals by men who barely knew me, I can say that I truly thought P was my man and I was 'his girl' as he used to say when he was tipsy and out drinking with the boys.Well, it's almost 1:30am y'all, I need to get some beauty sleep for my Nordstrom's job tomorrow.

Good night and God Bless!

Lo Que Sea

Remember this ditty from almost a year ago?

”For it’s in Times like this
She would be tempted to spit
If she wasn’t so ladylike?

…
What can we do?
What can we do with all this Useless Beauty?
All this Useless Beauty…”

The people who don’t understand me or don’t care to or who just are plain bullies in my life won’t get it. Can’t get it. I am not referring to the outer beauty. But those of you with cold hearts and who live to torment and misunderstand me will think that is how I mean it and try to cast your evil, wicked INCORRECT judgments on me. What is the point?

Tell me – what is the blasted point of it all???

I live to be misunderstood, it seems. My whole life it has happened. It STILL happens. With hurtful, evil people who torment me and even those who supposedly care. What is the point of it all??!!!!

I have always been alone. And you all roll your eyes and think that I’ve had some long-term relationships – NO! I’ve always been alone. And it seems to be my destiny.

No one understands it. No one gets it. And I accepted it long ago. It wouldn’t matter so much if I didn’t have to so much to give and so much goodness and charity that I was taught by my parents.

A truly colossal waste.

I live inside my head.

I live inside my nightmares.

I am utterly alone.

And I don’t trust a damn one of you.

Fable

You can look in the forest
for a secret field
for a golden arrow
for a prince to appear
for a fable of love that will last forever

You can look in the ruins
for a wishing well
for a magic apple
for a charioteer
for a fable of love
that will carry you
to a moon on a hill
to a hidden stream
a lagoon
and a red horizon stream
silhouette
sail away from time
forever

To a valley beyond
the setting sun
where Irish waters shine
and Arabian horses run

Where there is a love who looks for you

But
while you look
you are changing
denying.
You're a well of wishes
you're a fallen apple

And I can't bear it - No!

Love's a fake.
Love's a fable.
Just a painting
on a European ceiling.
Just a children's fairy tale.

And still you want to look
and look and look and look
and look:
for those dark eyes on a bridge
in the pouring rain
Not just his 'dark' eyes
but the part you can't explain
For the arms you can fall into forever
For the joy that you thought
you'd never know
For here, at last, away you go
to a man who looks for you

And if you find
in the world
in this great, troubled world
that someone sees
that someone knows you:
then, Love!
Love, if you can, my darling.
Love, if you can and let yourselfbe loved!

May it last forever...

This is Love to me

Few can understand it.
But the fact is:
I am not well most of the time.
And I really suffer.

Hours like this can seem an eternity.
And I feel all my armour slipping
off of me.

One of the strangest things
I will never understand
is how someone
who has shown such strength -
can hurt so much?

...

I'm better now.
And I appreciate feeling my Love's warmth
and his little ones tight embrace.


"This is Love to me,"
sings my musical hero.
My champion whose words and lyrics
have moved me to such angst and beauty
that only one with my head could truly,
truly feel and recognize
the purity and pain captured in a dissonant chord
and a single sentence of a lyric.

I need this lullabye tonight.
Now I am 'not alone'.

80s Song of the Week - Duran Duran "Lonely in your Nightmare"

Reading like poetry, this song from the "Rio" album was not a hit, but one of my favorite DD songs ever. It was songs and lyrics like these that I lost - and then found - myself in. They don't write songs or make videos like this anymore. This one is for the original DD fans, and those of us who must fight the nightmare in our heads...