Grateful

Whew hew! And just like "that" (add gay snap of the fingers here) E is back to her silly, dedicated self - after being bummed all day about losing all that video footage - I ate dinner after work, took an hour walk and settled down to try once again - and after almost 2 hours...I found (!!!) the video camera files (angelic soprano voice "ahhh" - that I emit on occasion insert here) he hehe.Jesus loves me and helped me find those things which I plan on editing and u-tubing if possible - and yes, I even am going to do one of my engagement announcement video made at Easter because if you all saw how happy and supportive my family was and the nice words my mom said about Ciara being another granddaughter you'd see what great blood I come from and know that, for my part, my love for Patrick was always real and not shared with exes or distractions or fear. I did cry, watching it just now because I had never seen it before and it made me miss my 'Cono' tremendously momentarily, but you know what? They were tears of joy - - even though he didn't follow through - because regardless of him focusing on the negative, I have always focused on his positives and when he embraced me as I cried into his shoulder, I know there were real moments of happiness with him that I, at least, felt.

I really thought after years of not wanting marriage, nor thinking I deserved it, and saying no to 2 proposals by men who barely knew me, I can say that I truly thought P was my man and I was 'his girl' as he used to say when he was tipsy and out drinking with the boys.Well, it's almost 1:30am y'all, I need to get some beauty sleep for my Nordstrom's job tomorrow.

Good night and God Bless!

Learning Spanish

My full name is very hispanic. But I am of a growing hispanic minority born in the USA that didn't grow up speaking Spanish. My bilingual parents spoke it a little between themselves. And my mother did try to teach us a little bit. But, let's face it - they should have spoken it all the time to us at home because all of us kids greatly suffered in our personal and professional lives' at our not being bilingual. And, as children, it's the easiest way to learn languages - for you soak it up like a sponge. As an adult, one becomes self-concsious at making mistakes or having a bad accent. Point blank - I have suffered learning this language but have a lot of pride that I did so on my own. People just assume all latinos speak spanish. I am 3rd generation born American - I can assure not all of us are bilingual.

Here's a little walk down Memory Lane:

It was my first year of college, at the age of 18, that I really started yearning to learn more about my Mexican heritage and its romantic language. I became involved in the hispanic student organization MECHA to meet the few latinos who attended UC Irvine in the early 90s and sometimes wrote articles for La Voz Mestiza - the hispanic student school paper. But, mostly, I made a herculean effort to learn Spanish on my own. Interestingly, I mostly learned it through my huge love: Music.

I started listening to spanish radio all the time. I bought spanish-music tape cassettes (this is pre cds and mp3s). I would listen for hours to music and try to write down the lyrics in a notebook that I still have at my parents' home. I became a huge, screaming fan of handsome crooner Luis Miguel who was my age and a HUGE singing star. He was my favorite. I also started watching telenovelas (soap operas) during my vacations back at home in San Diego. The first one I watched was called, "La Picara Sonadora" - I even got my sister and mom to watch it with me. When I say it was the 'first one' I watched I refer to the fact that spanish-language soaps actually end after a few months. And they almost always end with a happy ending of the poor girl getting her prince *I mean rich, handsome man.

You can imagine, thus, that my spanish, from listening to music and watching over-dramatic novelas - was full of vocabulary about love, nature, revenge, romance and pain. HAHAHAH. Very dramatic. But not very useful, every-day language, one can say.

I needed to do more, then. So I decided that I could only have crushes on Latino boys. That way I could practice my spanish. Now, I was the biggest virgin in high school and college - and PROUD of it. But I had crushes, sure! And Latin men are muy romantico..... Spring Break of my freshman year - I was en route to having my first heart ache by a Latin man. I went with Diana, my roommate in college (and mentioned in the blog a few times) to Tijuana, Mexico for the first time to go dancing. We went with my younger cousin, Maddy, who was already highly-seasoned at going even though she was only in high school. She was also in a latin identity faze as well. She took us to where the real Mexicans were - not the bars full of drunk underage American kids and sailors. She took us to the OTHER end of Calle Revolucion ("Revolution Street") the main drag of bars and discos in TJ where there was a huge club called, "Las Pulgas" - The Fleas. I was in heaven with the spanish pop and roc-en-espanol on 1 floor and more traditional mexican music and dance on another.

I still remember it like it was yesterday. I set my eyes on a tall, Mexican boy across the room - I was a virgin, but I knew how to flirt! The girls nodded in approval. He was wearing jeans, boots, a shiny belt buckle, and a button down shirt and drinking a beer. His hair was straight, thick and longer on top - pushed back with a little gel.

I said to the girls we needed to walk past him and his boys so I could make eye contact (who knew this goody-goody was such a natural??!!) Well, we paraded past them and when I walked past, I gave him a sideways look and smile over my shoulder and he literally ran after me to catch up with me.I always thought he looked a bit like a Mexican Elvis. For he had full-lips and a handsome but baby-face that Elvis had. Even the hair reminded me of his circa 50s' look.

He asked me in spanish, "Como te llamas?" What is your name? And little did I know my life was to change forever. He was my first latin man. And my first heart break. Efren would figure in my life for the next several years - setting my even-nowadays standard of really trying with someone until they have absolutely killed me and there is truly nothing left of Elsa to give and cling onto.

By now, Diana is rolling her eyes and fanning herself over the memories and nightmare that would be my knowing him those many years. God bless her - she accompanied me many a night to TJ to meet him down there or to go to his baseball games.
And she stood by my side through the pain as well.

Was I in love with him? No. I knew we were young and inexperienced (he was my age). But I wanted to eventually be in love with him. I was crazy about him. He sang and danced mexican rancheros with me, literally sweeping me off my feet. "Six foot two, and all for you," he used to say, grinning that boyish grin of his. We met at 18 and he left my life at 28. We will eternally be remembered as young and stupid.

Too bad, with him, I set the precedent at being involved with men who can't commit and take but don't give much back. It's amazing when I look back now at 35 that I have always given much more in my relationships and continue to still do it. I know it's a latin trait in women - we are extremely giving. But, I've gone to hell paying for it and continue to suffer even now for possessing that character. A character that is so generous it is actually a negative fault when it comes to me and men.

I will say one thing though. Dating someone who speaks spanish was a great way to really accelerate my learning! Do you like elsamart's novela? Stay tuned for more. I figure something has to come out of all the memories in my head...

"De Colores.."

*I always said I'd get married in a bright Latina orange or vibrant green dress. I guess that says that I am incredibly sexy on the inside AND I put others first. :) he he he

Most of us have a favorite color. Maybe you’re drawn to sky blue because it makes your eyes stand out or you find forest green particularly comforting. Whatever the case, your preferred hue can reveal a lot about what makes you tick. And the same holds true for the people you date—you’d probably have a different impression of a date if he or she said, “My favorite color is yellow,” versus “My favorite color is black.” That’s because color speaks a powerful, silent language. Welcome to Color Theory. So, look up your favorite color below — and your date’s best-loved shade — and get some colorful insights that will benefit your romantic life.

Red
What it represents: Ah, the color of passion, anger and high blood pressure. Red is a primal color. It represents primal urges, like lust (“I must have you now!”) and fury (you know the phrase, “seeing red,” right?). Yes, red is a commanding color: Think of how stop signs get you to halt in your tracks and how you stand back when a red fire engine goes whizzing by.

Understanding people who love it: They act — sometimes without thinking — on immediate desires. In fact, they’re usually the poster child for immediate gratification. It’s up to you if you go for it... or proceed with caution.

Orange
What it represents: OK, orange is not exactly the easiest color to wear and it’s not the most common favorite color, but guess what? Orange is as sexy as it gets. Orange is a mellowed red—and it takes primal, lusty urges and mellows them with a softer vibe. Orange is the color of early attractions, emotional responses, and inner magnetism. Oh, and one other thing: Orange is also close to gold, the color of success and wealth.

Understanding people who love it: Someone who likes orange is alive with feelings, the ability to nurture, and can intuit a path to success. If your favorite color is orange, you don’t have an “off” switch when it comes to passion. This is all good stuff, but there’s nothing casual about the connections this kind of person usually forges.

Yellow
What it represents: Yellow is the color of the sun, vitality, power and ego... but it’s not a great indicator of romance. Watch out for self-centered, me-first energy when someone prefers yellow to the rest of the rainbow.

Understanding people who love it: If yellow is your favorite color, temper your use of the word “I” when you’re interested in someone else. You can come across as too ego-centric. Now, if you’re dating someone whose favorite hue is yellow, make sure to jump in and share stories about yourself, since this person may not give you much room.

Green
What it represents: Here is the heart of the matter. Green is the color of love. (It’s no coincidence that we make our money in the same color...) Green is the color of life and abundance — leaves, grass, plants — it’s all about growing, expanding, and living. So why don’t we give ferns instead of roses on Valentine’s Day? Because green is about expansive, humanistic love and acceptance, not bodice-ripping romance. What’s more, green is a nice person color, a do-gooder, be-gooder kind of color. This person has a warm heart. Hot passion is probably in there somewhere, buried under the integrity and honor.

Understanding people who love it: If you love green, you put the greater good before your own good—but try a little selfish behavior once in a while.

Blue
What it represents: Blue is a color of clarity, communications and charm. And regardless of the shade, this hue says: “I like to be understood.” On the downside, under stress, a “blue” person can send mixed messages, have trouble making up their mind, or just space out.

Understanding people who love it: If blue is your favorite color, you never run out of anything to say—expression is your strong suit. And if you’re dating someone “blue”? The same holds true; you should always know where you stand.

Purple
What it represents: Purple evokes the energy of illusion, imagination and fantasy. Or should we say purrrrple? Purple tends to inspire foreplay, romance, flirtation and teasing—it builds anticipation with playfulness. The downside of purple is unrealistic expectation. Is it easier to live in your fantasy world than the real world? Some purple-lovers prefer it.

Understanding people who love it: If you love purple you can be an imaginative romantic or prefer imaginary romance—depending on how you feel.

White
What it represents: White is light—the combination of all colors. White symbolizes purity (the virginal bridal dress, the christening gown) and spirituality. There’s a simplicity to it, too.

Understanding people who love it: People who love white are probably clean and orderly. While white isn’t the sexiest color, it is certainly healthy.

Black
What it represents: Like white, black is a combination of all colors, but instead of purity, it represents the unknown, the unseen—mystery. Black basically holds back information... but there’s no denying that it has strong associations in our culture with “the dark side” and evil.

Understanding people who love it: If your favorite color is black, you are more hush-hush than ha-ha. The silence of this color lets others fill in the blanks. Black says “I’m not telling you anything.” People who love black can be tough nuts to crack, but quite possibly worth the effort.

El Dia de Amor y Amistad

*I told my boyfriend, Patrick, that I do not wish for anything out of the ordinary on Valentine's Day. (I may be the only woman I know with this perspective.) Each to her own: I just am not into gifts or pressuring who I am dating to dish out money on gifts or an overpriced dinner. His love for me is proven every day on a day-to-day basis. Life is hard. He is strong. And he is there for me. No amount of gifts, roses, candy or jewelry could ever prove his commitment more to me than that.

That said, I love to reflect. And I love writing. I came across the following that I wrote September 13, 2006. Almost 5 months ago to the day. It was a turning point for me in our still young relationship. I am so proud to be here, P. I love you.

There is an idea of our relationship.

Undoubtedly in the minds of family.

Of friends.

Of our exes.

And our past.

But no one can come close, my Love, to understanding and deciphering just exactly what it means that both of us have arrived to this place. To this moment. To open ourselves to the utter happiness (and inevitable pain) that comes with trusting when one is not trusting by nature or is introverted, or has been through some traumatic experiences.

I shall work very hard to never fail you in what you have given me. That is my pledge to you.

A long time ago someone once told me that they couldn't return my love. That it was difficult to be responsible for, or on the receiving end of such feelings. I remember apologizing. Broken and confessing to myself that the only way I know how to love is to own a part of my mate's soul...

I never dreamed someone would be strong enough to want that kind of love. For the pain that is involved with that kind of passionate emotion can be utterly devastating and crushing.

We found each other only a short distance away. With already signs of our paths and past crossing. It was inevitable that I be yours someday. Wholeheartedly yours.

Absolutely everything hurtful that I have gone through in my life has been worth it now that I have you and know what a healthy relationship is. What an equal relationship should be. And to truly know what it is like for the first time to be in love with a man who knows how to give as well as receive.

I've dreamt about this feeling and your embrace since I was 13. Twenty-one years later I can say that I have undoubtedly found the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. Everything I laugh at or enjoy without you hurts because I want to share it with you. You are such an integral part of my life now that I can't imagine spending a day without seeing you.

I am so blessed.

I am so happy.

I am so in love.