Miserable

  I am miserable. Oh, I still am functional. I will never fall apart or feel sorry for myself when there are people starving, dying, sick and at war every day. But I have to admit my heart just took another recent beating 20 minutes ago when, after staying up to almost 3am last night - I've been an insomniac past couple weeks so no matter - I spent hours trying to install the software and download about 60 hours of memories for the past 3 years off my parents' digital camera.

I am miserable because there was beautiful footage on that thing. Mostly of family, the kids when some were still todlers, with my loving brother Gabe playing with them all at once, some modeling shows of me walking the runway, singing with my aunts, sisters and cousins as I played the piano, the opera performance I did last spring when selected out of thousands of alumni to perform at my highschool music mentor's retirement party. Oh, yeah - and then there was footage of Patrick, Ciara, his daughter and Fred-the-basset hound -whom I took care of, loved and thought was my family for the rest of my life.

Creative person and insomniac that I be, I already had visions of how I was going to edit clips together for my family and hell, one of P memories for me, and burn DVDs of them, etc.

But as wonderful as I am, I am NOT a technically-gifted person. The instructions were very difficult and when around 1am I managed to actually see clips on the PC I almost screamed for joy - but since I am crashing as a guest, I figure that is not a good thing to wake up everyone.

Alas, this morning I turned on the computer and none of the files were to be found. Hours of happiness gone. I quickly went to my techie German brother-in-law's house for help and when we looked at the videorecorder itself - even worse. GONE. All original files were deleted off the videocamera. Of course, the written-in-english-but-by-a-chinaman instructions assured me nothing could be deleted off the camera unless manually - no, I didn't do that last night. I knew better. But somehow, it's all gone. Completely vanished.

Believe it or not I actually feel almost as miserable about it as Patrick's deciding after me and my family's accepting him and Ciara with open arms that he doesn't want to get married and evidently wants to still sow his oats at 42 as he was on Match.com before I even moved out using the same 4 year old pictures, and deep, brooding quote that hooked me in almost 3 years ago (of course, I thought they were his own words at the time).

And why the dickens should he not be catting around already? He was popular with the girls since coming to America with his Irish accent - it's what he knows. So why try to be a good, decent person and reflect and mourn the death of our engagement and try to better himself as a man and father for the next woman in his bed and sensitive child's life?

Because, it takes a strong person to do that. And Patrick regrettably (well, no one regrets it more than me...except maybe his aging mother in Ireland who was so happy that he had a second chance with a loving, Catholic life partner) - proved himself to be pitifully weak and selfish.

So knock yourself out, date him, flirt with him, sleep with him. You've seen his pictures on here - he is handsome to most. If that is all that is important to you than knock yourself out: It's not like I am in denial that he hasn't already met up or slept with new women in the last few days, please - I am far beyond being that stupid with him anymore. Just know that if you look him up you'll have to put in 41 - since he is lying about his real age and a few other things (dancing and romantic dinners in the Gaslamp(?!!) But attractive younger women that are considered 'hotties' go to the gaslamp so I think that was a great calculated lie on his behalf to rope in the younger ladies.
Yeah, I'm pretty shocked, offended but disappointed, more than anything, because of how much I gave and he was truly blessed to have me, my family and my generosity for him and especially for his daughter whom I genuinely loved and suffered over in my concern.

There is no Justice in this world. And on this anniversary of the 9/11 Attacks I am further reminded during my loneliness without the man that led me to be in love with him as well as his child who might have been the closest thing I knew to having as my own daughter (I am 36 after all) is that - Life Is Short. Life Is Hard. We are NOT owed ANYTHING. But WE, in turn, owe our families, friends and fellow human race decency and kindness. Because it can all disappear in a flash.

Sadly, when talking to my closest sister, Sara, about it we both commented and agreed that it is those who HAVE had a tragedy in their life that 'get it'. I am thinking of Sara with her autistic only son who will be dependent on her and husband Sven the rest of their lives. I am thinking of my best friend, Diana, who lost her father to illness at the tender age of 11. Or my other dear friend, Heather, who also lost her father in a tragic, unforeseen circumstance a few short years ago. Then I think of my angelic oldest sister Ceci, who along with my oldest cousin Lisa and other peers whom have all experienced utter physical pain and heartbreak at not being able to carry their babies to term.

Am I dark? Am I, by nature, a sad person? I can be - more than most, I think. But my sadness is a direct result from watching loved ones (including my parents) go through such difficulty in life and remain faithful and good people even if their own happiness is compromised. I remain so sensitive to pain and ugliness - you've no idea - especially that of others. But on the flip side: my generosity and true ability to give and LOVE when I am the kind of person that I am (because I suffer, ya'll) gives me great thanks in my Faith because I could just as easily not be strong enough to love and genuinely care about the entire world and instead be selfish and retreat into weakness, self-servience and non-committment.

May God Bless us all - across the world - because most of us just don't get what is important and real in life. And that flippancy and self-serving, ignorant attitude is something that greatly hurts me and will continue to do so for all my days that God deems me here.

And it may sound silly to you readers about how 'miserable' it makes me but...I really, REALLY wanted that video footage of my loved ones...:(